My Google Calendar kindly informed me that it’s week 29 of the year this morning. I swear I was eating Christmas dinner a few weekends ago. My thoughts keep going back to something my grandmother told me when I was a kid.
Time goes faster the older you get. Your body ages with it, but in your mind you’re stuck in your early 20s.
The fucker was right.
At the moment I feel as though I’m undergoing a deconstruction and reassembly. In that space in between I’m looking for authenticity. Staring into that mirror and trying to understand the reflection, which is mostly mimicking me but occasionally giving me the finger.
You know what it’s like if you’ve ever taken anything apart - you have to put the screws in a little bowl otherwise there’s always some missing when you come to put it back together.
I’m wondering what would happen if I just flicked a couple of those screws off the table and watched them roll between the floorboards. Do I need them all? My instinct is saying no. I’m thinking there are definitely some that aren’t serving me positively and I’ve learned to trust my instinct over the years.
Part of this drive for authenticity has taught me to listen to my gut. The gut knows best. Ever got that niggling feeling before you decide to do something that’s telling you not to do it? Yeah you have. Make sure you listen to it.
I’m using my gut as my compass in all of this. I’m challenging those automatic thoughts that bubble up out of the subconscious. The ones that sound like you but you know aren’t really. They’re crafty and they try to convince you that whatever it is they’re suggesting is a good idea whilst your gut’s shouting “it’s a trap” with an ether soaked rag over it’s mouth.
I want to peel off this skin like a spider and squeeze out of it, leaving all the detritus and the shit behind. I want to sink my fangs into all those poisonous parts of myself and feed on them as they’ve fed on me.
As it stands, I’m nowhere near there yet. I’m opened up and existentially bleeding out. Simultaneously the disassembled android on the table and the engineer with blowtorch in hand and only a vague idea of what he’s doing. Trapped inside the chrysalis and trying to push my way out. A part transformed caterpillar that’ll hopefully become something beautiful.
I’ve come to understand that the most difficult part of doing this sort of work on ourselves is the loss of identity that comes with it as we traverse the space between. The foundation that forms the basis for our self crumbles away and we’re left floating in a void, our ego screaming into the unknown.
Start as X. Become Y. Y being greater than X.
What adds to the difficulty is that we can’t even start this sort of work without a decent amount of self awareness. To be able to observe us and have at least some understanding of what’s driving the choices that we make and the behaviours that are born of those choices.
If you’re in a place where you’re feeling ready to start this journey, be prepared to not be OK with what you find. You also absolutely must exercise self compassion at all times. Don’t push through what you’re feeling. Be present with it. There’ll be times when you feel great and get real revelations. There’ll be times when it’s shit and you question the very nature of your being.
Stick with it. It’s going to feel like an army boot camp. You’re going to feel exhausted and beaten up and broken down, but you’ve got to break yourself apart to build yourself anew.
I wish all of you godspeed, and know that I’m here if you want to reach out and discuss what you’re experiencing.
Much love
David
An aside
I am going to try an experiment with this blog or stream of consciousness or whatever the fuck this is. I’ve been getting into a terrible habit lately of staying up into the early hours of the morning and then getting up at 9am.
Instead, I want to try and get up at 7am and then start the day by writing something on here. It’ll basically be a brain dump of what I wake up feeling, so no promises of quality or consistency in length (title of my sex tape).
In fact, this whole thing is going to be rough and ready. I’m not going to be trawling through stock photo sites searching for pretty images to improve the “look and feel”. You gets what I gives.